


Tell Me That This Whole Time I've Belonged

by shesbreathless



Series: schmico codas [21]
Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Arguing, Conversations, M/M, Post 16x13, Rewrite, not really a fight because i'm a coward, throughout 16x14, what?? adults talk to each other?? since when???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22915402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shesbreathless/pseuds/shesbreathless
Summary: Nico looks like he wants to say something else, but he never does. He just presses his lips together and taps his fingers on Levi’s knees. It means something between ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ and ‘I don’t know how to talk about it’, and Levi has to decide whether he’s willing to wait for him to figure it out.A rewrite of the Schmico scenes in episodes 16x13 and 14.
Relationships: Nico Kim/Levi Schmitt
Series: schmico codas [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1285922
Comments: 19
Kudos: 142





	Tell Me That This Whole Time I've Belonged

**Author's Note:**

> It took me a while, but I got this done. It’s a rewrite of the scenes between episodes 16x13 and 16x14, because I hate how the show is making this happen. Like, you want to be angsty? Sure, great even! But do it decently, for the love of everything that’s good. I’m not saying that this is perfect, but at least I think it makes more sense. I didn’t go beyond where the show itself stops because I don’t want to assume how they’re going to portray Nico’s parents, but I tried to tie the scenes better.  
> (A moment of silence for the “I want a dance partner” scene, because it made absolutely no sense but it was so, so beautiful. May you have your justice someday.  
> Also how cool is it that they got the title for episode 16x14 from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s “A Diagnosis”?! I love that show so much!)

Levi chews on his lower lip and squints at the same corner he’s been staring at for a good half hour. His back is hurting from the way he’s leaning on the edge of the nurses’ station, but there’s enough going on inside his head to distract him from it.

He shifts his weight from one foot to the other and sighs. The nurse sitting on the other side of the desk looks like at him like she’s done about a hundred times in the last ten minutes, probably annoyed by his stormy presence, but doesn’t say anything.

It’s almost time for dinner and Nico should be getting out of a surgery in a few minutes. Levi knows because he spent half an hour in front of the board doublechecking the time, and he might have bothered the poor nurse to find out if they’re on time, so it’s safe to say he’s been preparing this well.

Can he call it an ambush? If asked, he would say it’s just him planning on asking for an explanation, but it probably sounds pretty sneaky to everybody else. Whatever, he doesn’t care what anybody thinks.

Levi starts bouncing his leg even though he’s sure that the nurse is a second away from breaking and murdering him in cold blood, but he doesn’t get to prove his theory because the door to his right opens and Nico walks through it.

“Oh, hey,” he says as soon as he notices Levi. “What are you doing here?”

“I was waiting for you,” Levi blurts out.

It’s not a lie. The nurse scoffs and Levi glares at her, then grabs Nico’s hand and starts leading him down the hallway.

“Where are we going?” Nico asks, but he doesn’t resist.

Levi ignores him. “How was surgery?”

“Uh, good. I mean, the poor man broke both feet, but he’ll live.”

“How does one person break both feet at the same time?” Levi wonders out loud as he leads them to round a corner.

Nico chuckles. “Are you in the position to judge, Mr. ‘I broke both arms when I flew off a bike’?”

Levi forces out a laugh, but it sounds off even to his own ears. His heart is beating increasingly fast in his chest and he’s too focused on being anxious to properly answer Nico.

When they finally reach the closest row of on-call rooms, Levi stops abruptly in his tracks. Nico doesn’t notice fast enough and ends up crashing against him, almost sending the both of them flat on their faces on the floor.

“What-“ he starts, but Levi spins around on his heels and pushes himself up to kiss him.

It’s fast and messy and Nico gets immediately into it, wrapping his arms around Levi’s waist and pulling him in closer. There isn’t anybody around, so there are no witnesses to the way Levi gasps. He’s on a mission though, so he has to focus.

Blindly reaching behind himself, Levi grabs the handle and pushes the door open, walking backwards and pulling Nico in along with him.

“You’re not busy?” Nico asks, breathless when he pulls back from the kiss.

“Nuh-uh,” Levi shakes his head. “We could stay in here for hours.”

Nico lets his hands slide down Levi’s back to rest on his ass, and Levi lets him. He locks the door and pushes on Nico’s shoulders to make him sit down on the bed that’s closest to them.

He doesn’t suspect a thing, fully convinced that everything is perfectly fine, which means that Levi’s attack will be even more effective. Somewhere deep inside he feels bad, but not enough to stop now.

Nico shuffles until his back is resting against the wall, then pats his lap for Levi to follow. He’s a sight for sore eyes, all rosy cheeks and glassy eyes, but Levi can’t get distracted.

Maybe he can just a little bit, he thinks as he climbs on the bed and straddles the tops of Nico’s thighs.

“I wasn’t expecting this,” Nico mumbles against Levi’s lips.

“How come?” Levi pretends not to understand.

Nico slides his fingers under Levi’s shirt and pushes it up his back. “I thought you’d be mad.”

So he’s not totally oblivious. Levi doesn’t immediately answer, instead wrapping his arms around Nico’s neck and kissing the warm skin right under his ear. Nico shivers and grabs Levi’s ass again, tilting his head to the side to grant him more space.

He opens his mouth, probably to keep pushing, but Levi catches his lips in a kiss to shut him up and presses on his shoulder until he takes the hint and lies down on the bed properly. Levi follows him, settling more comfortably on his hips and propping himself up on his elbows by Nico’s head.

“What would I be mad about?” Levi finally asks, voice low.

Nico tries to kiss him again, but Levi moves back just enough for him to miss. He looks down at Nico with a raised eyebrow and waits for an answer.

It doesn’t come in the way he’s expecting. “I’m glad you aren’t,” is what Nico says.

Levi glares at him. “Don’t change the subject. Mad about what?”

Nico bites his lower lip and stares up at him, looking like he knows exactly what he’s doing but would never admit to it. Levi moves his hands to grab Nico’s wrists resting on his lower back, then slowly brings them up and over Nico’s head, pinning them to the mattress underneath him.

Gaze unfocused, Nico follows the movement of their joined limbs, then glances at Levi’s mouth and smirks. Levi licks his lips and watches as Nico’s eyebrows furrow in aroused concentration.

“That’s hot,” Nico mumbles.

Levi rolls his eyes and squeezes Nico’s wrists for a beat.

“Nico,” he growls.

“Levi,” Nico smiles serenely.

“What am I supposed to be mad about?”

Nico shrugs as best as he can with Levi basically crushing him. “Nothing hopefully.”

This isn’t going to take him anywhere, so Levi changes tactics. He lifts his hips and shuffles forward, then grinds down in one smooth movement. Nico groans and digs his heels into the bed to push up as well, and Levi just can’t resist dipping his head for a kiss.

Nico immediately tries to deepen it, but Levi pulls back once again.

“Talk,” he says, smiling innocently.

“We could be doing something a lot more fun,” Nico tries.

As an answer, Levi rubs himself against Nico one more time.

“Fuck. You know I can’t say no when you do that.”

“That’s why I do that.”

They stare each other down for a few more seconds, then Nico finally breaks down.

“Do you want a confession or an apology?” he sighs.

Levi lets go of his wrists, but keeps his hands by the sides of Nico’s face. “I want the truth. Do you not want to live together?”

Nico sighs, avoiding Levi’s eyes and chewing on the inside of his cheek. Levi waits patiently for him to gather his thoughts, sitting back between Nico’s spread knees.

“We never discussed it,” he eventually says.

“Yeah, exactly,” Levi jumps in. “You just straight up decided it wouldn’t happen.”

“I thought you would want to finally have a place of your own.”

“Finally? What’s that supposed to mean?” Levi crosses his arms over his chest.

Nico sees right through him and gives him an unimpressed look. “You know I don’t mean it like that.”

Levi could get offended and start an actual fight about this, but the hurt he feels about this whole thing leans more towards sadness than anger, so he resorts to rubbing a hand down Nico’s front and smoothing his expression into one of pure honesty.

“No, I don’t know that,” he says quietly. “Don’t really know what you’re thinking lately.”

Something dark crosses over Nico’s face, but he quickly hides it. Levi sees it anyway, but doesn’t comment on it. Not right now, then.

“Do you not like spending time with me anymore?” he asks instead.

“No, that’s not that at all,” Nico hurries to reassure him. “I genuinely just didn’t think that we were at that point.”

“Didn’t?”

Nico shakes his head. “Still don’t. I mean, you’ve never lived by yourself.”

“You keep saying that. Why is it a problem?”

“It’s not a problem! Don’t put words I didn’t say into my mouth,” Nico sits up, their legs overlapping down the length of the bed.

Levi just keeps glaring at him. Nico sighs exasperatedly.

“Why won’t you even consider it?” Levi asks in a small voice.

“Babe, I,” Nico starts, then stops himself by shaking his head. “I don’t want you to resent me because you never got to experience that freedom.”

“That’s such bullshit,” Levi scoffs.

“It’s not. And besides, think about how nice it could be, you having your own place. Getting to decorate it,” Nico slowly walks his fingers up the inside of Levi’s knee. “Breaking everything in. If you know what I mean.”

Levi smiles despite himself, then tries to hide it by scrunching his face up. Nico must obviously see it, but doesn’t point it out.

“That would be fun,” he admits. “But we would still have sleepovers, right?”

“Of course,” Nico breathes, pushing himself off the wall and closer to Levi. “Absolutely. You know how much I love waking up together.”

“Just not on a daily base,” Levi can’t help it, it just slips out.

Nico looks like he wants to say something else, but he never does. He just presses his lips together and taps his fingers on Levi’s knees. It means something between ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ and ‘I don’t know how to talk about it’, and Levi has to decide whether he’s willing to wait for him to figure it out.

A couple of seconds of silence go by, a clock ticking loudly somewhere.

Levi looks down at their legs and shrugs with one shoulder. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Nico repeats, almost like he doesn’t actually believe it.

“Yeah,” Levi nods. “But can I just say one thing?”

Nico hums and holds Levi’s hands into his own. Levi lifts his eyes and just looks at him for a few seconds, then tilts his head to the side.

“Next time let’s just jump to the ‘talking about it’ part and skip the ‘doubts and worries’ part, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Nico chuckles. “Alright. Sorry.”

Levi smiles and leans in for a slow kiss, reaching up to slide his fingers into the hair at the back of Nico’s head.

There is still something that doesn’t sit right with Levi, but he knows that he’s not going to get anything else out of Nico right now. Besides, he might actually be a bit excited about the prospect of going apartment and furniture shopping with Nico. Maybe even about inevitably arguing inside an IKEA store.

So he lets it slide for the moment, as he climbs back into Nico’s lap and guides his hands under his own shirt, biting on Nico’s lower lip and swallowing the noise he makes with a deep kiss. Just for now, it’s enough.

-

Later that night, once they’re both done with their shifts, after Nico has cooked them dinner and they’ve changed into their pajamas, they find themselves lying in bed in complete silence, staring up at the ceiling like it could possibly hold the answers to any of their questions.

It’s awkward, Levi won’t pretend it isn’t. It makes his insides clench and doubts fill his head, but he doesn’t know how to deal with them. Nico would just avoid talking about it anyway, so there is no point in even trying.

“I’m going to an apartment showing tomorrow,” Levi mumbles after a while. “Wanna come?”

Nico hesitates. Levi feels his stomach drop.

“You don’t have to. I just thought it would be fun,” he tries eventually.

“It would,” Nico nods. “I just… have a thing.”

Levi frowns. “A thing?”

“Yeah, I’m… busy.”

“With who?” Levi immediately shoots back.

Nico slowly turns his head on the pillow to look him in the eyes. “You don’t know them,” is what he decides is the appropriate answer.

Levi’s blood runs cold. He props himself up on his elbows and stares at Nico with a hard expression set on his face. His lips tremble before he says what he really doesn’t wanna say.

“Nico Kim, are you cheating on me?”

Nico goes wide eyed and his mouth pops open. Levi lifts his index finger to shut him up before he can get a word out.

“Don’t you even think about lying,” Levi warns him.

“No, I am not cheating on you,” Nico slowly spells out. “I’m just having dinner with my parents!”

Levi deflates immediately. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Why were you acting so weird about it then?!” Levi slaps his arm, laughing.

Nico doesn’t laugh. Levi’s smile dies on his face. He’s getting whiplash.

“I have my reasons.”

Levi blinks. “What the fuck does that mean?”

Nico shifts around uncomfortably, still lying down. He lifts his arms and covers his face with them, then sighs like he has the weight of the world sitting on his stomach. They’re both quiet for what feels like hours, Levi twisting his fingers and Nico looking like the saddest puddle a person can resemble.

“I’m just so confused,” Levi tries.

“I know,” Nico whispers. “I was just trying to push this off for as long as I could.”

“But why? You never said anything about your parents.”

Nico peeks out from between his arms. “Yeah, there’s a reason for that.”

He’s being cryptic and Levi is too tired to deal with it. He lies back down, pulls the covers up to under his chin and glances over at Nico.

“If you’re not gonna say it just tell me, so I can sleep.”

It probably comes out way harsher than he intended, and it reflects on the way Nico pulls down his arms and lifts both eyebrows, but Levi doesn’t really care. He doesn’t like being treated like an idiot, and he’s over it.

“That was rude,” Nico comments.

Levi would kick him out, if this wasn’t his own bed.

“No, what’s rude is the fact that you’re obviously hiding something that has to do with me.”

Nico sighs noisily again. He squeezes his eyes shut and mumbles to himself, then opens them again, looking like he’s finally made up his mind.

“It has nothing to do with you,” he says.

Levi lifts an eyebrow. “Then you can tell me.”

“You’ll get mad.”

“Then it does have to do with me.”

Nico makes a frustrated noise like he has any right getting worked up about this. Levi crosses his arms over his chest.

“Why are you actively trying to fight about this?” Nico asks.

“Because you’re doing the thing where you’re hurting and you shut me out again!” Levi raises his voice just enough to immediately regret it. “And that hurts me. And then we’re both hurt and we-“

“I haven’t told them,” Nico interrupts him.

Levi stops for just a split second, then his whole face falls. “About me?” he asks in the smallest voice.

“About me.”

Levi frowns and shakes his head, trying to make it all make sense. It doesn’t work. “I don’t understand.”

Nico swallows. They’re both lying on the bed, heads on their own pillows, staring at each other.

“They don’t know I’m gay,” Nico finally says, voice so quiet Levi almost doesn’t hear him.

A million thoughts immediately break free inside his head, static noise filling his ears and eyes falling shut on their own as he tries to wrap his head around this new piece of information.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Levi breathes before he can stop himself.

Nico flinches, but Levi is way too mad to care, sitting up and pushing the covers off himself. He feels uncomfortable inside his own skin and hot, too hot, he might be sweating.

“All that stuff about my shame spiral, and being a baby gay, and you’re the one-“ he interrupts himself by shaking his head and squeezing his eyes. “Are you serious?”

“I know,” Nico whispers.

“No, you don’t fucking know!” Levi basically screams. “You’re such an hypocrite!”

“I know,” Nico repeats.

Levi is shaking, he’s so angry. He feels like such a fool, both for not realizing what was going on sooner and for letting Nico do this to him. He can’t decide if he wants to cry or yell.

“Why?” is what he settles on. “I just want to know why.”

Nico sighs and rubs his hands down his face, looking like the picture of distraught. Levi stays very still and stares at him, but one wrong move from Nico’s end could result in his demise. It may sound a bit dramatic, but that’s the least of his worries at the moment.

“It’s a long story,” Nico says after a few minutes.

Levi glares at him. “I have time.”

“I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Try.”

Nico scoffs, he actually scoffs. Levi tightens his hand in the pillow behind him and physically restrains himself from throwing it in Nico’s face.

“You know, I don’t actually owe you an explanation,” Nico mumbles.

That leaves Levi speechless. He opens his mouth, closes it, and has to decide in a split second if he wants to have the biggest fight of their relationship or move in another direction.

He looks at Nico, goes beyond the filter of pure anger that’s making his blood boil, and notices the downward tilt of Nico’s lips, the unshed tears lining his eyes, the tight line of his shoulders. He’s not being purposefully difficult or cryptic. He’s in pain.

“Okay,” Levi takes a deep breath. “Let’s take a step back.”

Nico looks at him curiously, like he didn’t expect these words to come out of Levi’s mouth right now, but doesn’t seem opposed to at least try to figure this out.

“I hope you realize how lucky you are that I’m a rational being,” Levi starts.

“I do,” Nico says.

“Right,” Levi nods. “So to recap… you are out to literally everybody, except to your parents. You go to gay bars, and you kiss me in public, and you’re proud of yourself, but you never told your parents. How is that possible?”

“It’s possible,” Nico shrugs. “I just never told them.”

“But _why_?” Levi asks, exasperated.

“Because they would add it to the endless list of ‘reasons why Nico is not enough’ they keep.”

Levi frowns. That doesn’t sound like someone who could have raised someone like Nico.

“I don’t get it.”

“I know you don’t.”

“Don’t treat me like I’m stupid,” Levi reprimands. “Explain it to me.”

Nico looks properly at him for the first time tonight. “They’re… overcritical. There’s nothing I could do that would be enough.”

“That sounds like their problem,” Levi points out.

“It’s not that easy.”

Levi throws his arms out and looks down at Nico, feeling helpless. They’re not going anywhere with this. Not now, not like this.

“You know what,” Levi decides, throwing his legs over the edge of the bed. “You think about it and come talk to me when you’re ready.”

“Where are you doing?” Nico asks, alarmed.

“To the hospital,” Levi grunts as he bends down to pick up something to wear.

“What? Now? Why?”

Levi turns around as he’s putting on his shoes and just stares at Nico for a few seconds. He doesn’t want to go, but he can’t stay. He stretches across his half of the bed and dips his head down to kiss Nico on the lips, quick and chaste, but enough to say what he can’t.

“Good night,” Levi whispers, then stands up before he can think better of it.

“So you’re just leaving?” Nico slaps his hands on the bed at his sides.

“Is it gonna solve anything if I stay?”

“Is it gonna solve anything if you leave?!”

Levi shakes his head and drums his fingers on the doorjamb. He looks at Nico still lying on the bed, takes a breath that does nothing to fix the heavy weight on his stomach, and takes one step out of the room.

“If I stay we’re just gonna fight,” he says. “You figure out your stuff and I figure out mine. See you tomorrow.”

And with that, he’s on his way to leaving Nico’s apartment in the middle of the night to go to the hospital and sleep on the uncomfortable beds there. Nico doesn’t call after him and Levi doesn’t stop.

He’s going to start crying as soon as he’s sure Nico won’t hear him, heart tight and blood rushing in his ears. None of what just happened makes sense and he’s too tired to try and force it to, so he just decides to hope that he’s going to be able to figure it out in the morning.

For now, he lets the front door close behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this, let me know with a comment or hit me up on [Tumblr](https://shesbreathless.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
